Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
