Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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