Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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