Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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