I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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