Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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