The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize