Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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