I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
