Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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