I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
