She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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