just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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