I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
