I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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