I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
