you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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