For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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