I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
