She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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