1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize