Where did you get a picture of my penis
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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