I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
