I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
