The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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