I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
