mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
