I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
