two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
