Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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