If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
