Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
