seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
