I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
