woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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