is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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