I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
