Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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