My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
