This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
