I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I need a beard to bite.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
