I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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