I am in a vortex of obligation.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
