there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
