I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
