i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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