i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
