If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
