well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize