I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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