Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
