I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
false alarm. still invincible.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
