Ambien. No doubt about it.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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