I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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