I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
