you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
