Cold hands, warm shart.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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