My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
